Letting it go...

Why am I still so angry??? I should not let someone else make me so mad that I am yelling at my daughters... Especially one that isn't worth my tears, anger, or frustration. Why cant I just let it go?

LET IT GO

The concept here is to let the emotional traps of life just go, however; this is not as easy as one might think. Cruel Step-Fathers, Disappointing Mothers, A Father that just never gave a fuck and was never there, A baby-daddy that put his hands on you because he couldn't deal with his own demons, 2 rapists, and now to add to my list a cheating, lying, deceitful, dirty ass BOYfriend.

How do I just let all the anger I have inside towards these people just go... This is damn near impossible. It's not something you physically hold onto and can therefore just let go of it. It's emotions, time, tears, hurt feelings, anger, hate, devastation, memories, and thoughts. All mixxed up inside my head, swimming around and drowning me. I am going to try to write a brief description of why I have these emotions towards those on my list and see if it helps drain some of the emotions out of my mind.

Cruel Step-Father: I am jealous of you. All I ever wanted was for you to love me like your own and you never did. You excluded me and made me feel like I was nothing, you robbed me of a childhood because you couldn't conform me to what you wanted. You took my mom from me.

Disappointing Mother: You were supposed to care for me, love me, teach me how to be a woman. But you didn't. You dragged me through your emotional bullshit from getting raped by your own father to my dad beating the shit out of you, somehow you managed to put all that on me. FYI it wasn't my fault, I didn't do it to you so why did you continually blame me? I am not you and my one goal as a mother is to be better than you.

Father that never gave a fuck: You never really put the effort in with me or any of my siblings, Why? Of course your dead now so you don't have to deal with any of us but you were perhaps the biggest let down of my life. When I needed you to be a father you just weren't there, what happened to being a real daddy? No one showed me what I should be looking for in a man, no one to tell me to wait for the "right-guy", no one to show me that all men don't hit and will actually love me unconditionally. Thanks for nothing!

Baby-Daddy: You know who you are and how you fucked up. I will never look at you the same way, you kneeled over me and continuously slapped the shit out of me for no reason. Although I stayed after that, and there were many more physical fights between us, I fell out of love with you at that very moment and will never be capable of regaining that love, so please stop trying.

2 Rapists: You disgust me. I didn't ask for it and I know that, I like to believe that there is a special spot in hell reserved for both of you. You made me feel low, dirty, disrespected, hurt, and scared. Well no more. I know I cant take your actions back, and what you robbed me of will be gone forever.

Cheating Lying Ass BOYfriend: You broke my heart, my spirit, and you took my last little bit of trust that I had in men. Thank you for screwing me over in the worst possible way. I hate you for sleeping with her. Not once but 3 times. I know your sorry. Sorry for getting caught! I loved you more than anyone ever will, more than you deserved, and more than I have ever loved anyone. The fact of the matter is you knew that and you still chose to do it, that is what I just cant understand and never will I believe you when you tell me you love me again. Your not worth my heart. So why don't you just leave and never look back???

All of the above mentioned people, you have hurt me in some of the worst ways possible, but I am still here. I breathe everyday, my heart still beats, my mind still produces some of the most intelligent thoughts ever, and I have 3 beautiful little ladies to spend the rest of my life trying to raise. I owe it to them to put all of the bullshit that you people have put me through behind me and start living a happy life. I will no longer dwell in my anger and dedicate massive bouts of depression to you. I am done with you. All of you.

-Angelina C. Cosentino

Aftermath.

It has officially been 2 weeks since I had my heart ripped out, stomped on, ran over, and slammed on the floor, a.k.a the boyfriend admitted to cheating. Well I have really been trying to get over it, I still have the never-ending picture of him fucking her playing over and over in my mind, and the relentless questions that roll through my mind 24/7.



So how do I handle all this? Everyone asking me if we are breaking up or staying together, people all of a sudden thinking that they are relationship experts or something, telling me what I should do, what I need to do, and how I should be feeling about it all. Not to mention guys that are supposed to be my "friends" telling me how they knew all along and how my heart would surely heal if I were to just go ahead and fuck them??? 4 words... Shut the fuck up! As if that was the solution to a broken heart. RIDICULOUS! Thanks for not being the friends that I thought you were.



Anyways, I see Paul everyday. It's very hard and I still get sick about the whole situation. I actually woke him up Monday-Night/Tuesday-Morning around 1:30 am and told him that I couldn't do this anymore and that he needed to get his shit and leave. I must admit that it felt great... for about an hour.



It took him quite a bit of time to pack his things up and around 4:30 am we started talking. I had asked him if he was so sorry why did he go back 3 times? Up until that moment he always said "I don't know" well sitting in our now half empty room, looking at all of his things packed up, he looked at me and said... " Angelina, your a good woman, seriously. You wanna know why I did it 3 times? Because it wasn't until this very moment that I knew what I had with you. I am so sorry for hurting you." All this with real genuine tears rolling down his face. Then he kissed me on my cheek and asked me to please reconsider kicking him out, or at least to think about it. Then he left. He went to work with his red Honda Civic packed up with his belongings and my heart in his hands.



At this point I had been awake for about 40 hours. I had been physically sick, crying, emotionally up and down, and just completely stressed out. I cried myself to sleep around 5am and woke up around 10am. I couldn't do anything but lay still. I didn't have any tears left in me, no ability to scream, no anger, no happiness, nothing. The plan was for me to call him at work and tell him if he could come home or not. I called him and couldn't get a hold of him, I started to take this as a sign that maybe this would be for the best. All the memories, thoughts of him, thoughts of our future, flashes of our lovemaking, and just plain good times came flooding through me as if an emotional dam had burst. I realized that I really love Paul and although his actions broke my heart, left me devastated, emotionally scarred and stressed me out more than any one person had ever been capable of... I wanted to work it out.



Call me crazy, stupid, foolish, and dumb, but I actually feel a little better. Since I have made this decision my heart has felt better, I can see Paul really trying, he doesn't get mad and frustrated with me when I start to clam up, or get sad, or doubt him. He has become very understanding and he is putting in effort where he was lacking before all this happened. He listens, he cares, he is just an all around better boyfriend. Granted it has only been a few days but I really feel a difference in him. I know that he is afraid that I am never going to love him the way that I used to but honestly, I wouldn't do that to him. He still has my heart, I just hope that this time he treats it right. I am a phenomenal woman and I deserve a phenomenal man - I will settle for nothing less.

Signed,

Determined to work it out.

The ultimate FUCK YOU!

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A week later...

Okay it has been a week since I last wrote, but I have been fairly busy. Currently I am fuming and I thought I should take some time to write it out instead of letting it build...

Paul is gone for the night on some last minute mysterious all guy friends night out about 45 minutes from our house. The entire situation seems slightly fishy and I hate when he does this, but due to a mistake I made earlier this week there is nothing I can say and it simply infuriates me!

I have had a total of about 15 interviews and they have all went fairly successful - yet I am constantly getting the " you were one of our top choices, but we went with someone else" speech about 15 times too many... What am I doing wrong? I have a golden resume, skills, education, experience, and I interview well. So why is the "other" candidate always getting chosen?

Not to mention the lack of sensitivity I get is really starting to agitate me. I am expected to be supportive of Paul and ALL of his career goals and I even do all I can to help him achieve them. Yet my efforts to find a job go un-noticed, the frustration I feel every time I get a rejection letter or call goes un-comforted. He gives me the occasional "It'll be alright babe, and I'm not mad" but that is it. Is a little TLC too much to ask for? DAMN!

On the other hand there were a few good things that came out of this week. I kicked ass in my COMP100 class, and am currently at a perfect "A" grade. I made spaghetti that was to die for and a really good pan of enchiladas. I also started talking to my sister Shannon again and I think I'm gonna have her out here for a week some time in the beginning of August... I really do miss her and I am excited to see my niece.

Brandi is in a walking boot and it is one of the most funniest things to look at, and she gets pissed when I imitate her but in the end we always laugh. She suffered a set back with the Uver situation, and she was really sad, but she stayed strong and functional and hopefully things will start getting better soon. She is a great person and I'm proud of her.

SURPRISE SURPRISE... My baby-daddy paid some child support! I was shocked as hell, appreciative and thankful. He had a real turn-around since last week - I only hope that he makes some permanent changes and stops doing the DUMB shit that he does. Like telling the lil ladies that they don't have to listen to Paul and that they should back-talk him...

I almost lost it when this situation arose in our household but Paul handled it like a champ and we had a great "family" talk and were able to get the girls to see that their dad was wrong for stating that. I imagine it must be really hard for the girls since they don't want to disappoint their dad but they love Paul and really enjoy the time that we spend together as a family.

Good night for now and I'm sure i'll have more to add soon!

Birthday Dinner

I had a genuinely good time tonight. Not that fake kind of fun you sometimes have when you have that feeling of anxiety and you just wanna leave the room and all you can do is sit there giving off the biggest fakest smile that you can muster... Well tonight was the exact opposite.

Okay I have a best friend (yay me!) and I simply ADORE her family. Her mom & dad have always been so sweet to me and have stepped in the loving caring role and welcomed me with open arms. They are the best set of parents that I know and tonight was their birthday dinner. They are just a few days apart and both turned 58. Brandi (My best friend), her sister Michelle, Her kids and boyfriend, Adrienne (another friend), the parents, Brandi's grandma, and myself all went to dinner at our local Olive Garden. The food was good, the service was horrible but the ambiance was wonderful! Never had I felt more at home and apart of something as I did during this birthday dinner. We laughed, we ate, we conversed, secrets were spilled, and trays of food were knocked over but all in all... We still ate cake and had a sweet end to long night of bonding, celebrating, and observing two wonderful people turn another year older. I hope that I will be there to share many more with them.

HAPPY 58th BIRTHDAY SHERRY and MITCH!

A day in the life...

Good Afternoon,

My name is Angelina Cosentino and this is a first for me. I was spending my Friday afternoon browsing the pics on OMG.com and came across a link to actress Bai Ling's blog. After about 10 minutes of looking at all these different random thoughts from one person I decided I should have a go at it.

I am 28 years old, and one of those types of women that have alot of things to say at once but need to take the time to organize my own thoughts and get them out one at a time. I have a multi-cultural background (Puerto Rican, Italian, German, Spanish and American Indian) I have a degree in Business Administration and am working on a second Degree in Technical Management with a concentration in Law. After which I plan on attending Law School. I am a firm believer in Education and believe that it can take you to the ends of the earth if that is where you wish to be. I have goals and aspirations and mainly wanna live a life full of knowledge, happiness, satisfaction, and wonderful memories.

A little more personal... I have 3 beautiful little ladies that I had the pleasure of introducing into this universe. My oldest Laryah (9) is the sweetest lil girl anyone could ever wish to have, she is smart, well behaved, and wears her heart on her sleeve. She is the type that will burst into alligator tears at the sight of an injured pup or a sad love song, she is my little bit of innocence in this mad and chaotic world and I am proud to be her mom. She loves to sing and writes her own lyrics, the amount of emotion that she is capable of sometimes leaves me quite flaberghasted... Then there is Deja (8) she is the typical middle child, always craving my attention and slightly different from her other sisters. She is quite athletic but shys away from academia. She is an excellent runner and is very into gymnastics and a little diva-ish. She focuses on her hair and outfit more than I would like and asks about a million questions a day but still manages to ask one more right before bed. Her consistency amazes me and she doesn't back down easily, I admit I kinda like that about her. I know that she will grow up to be rather strong and will make me proud. Lastly we have Vashaunn (6) she is an entertaining little person that lives in her own world where she is the President and has an opinion about everything! Her vocabulary astounds me and her understanding of everyday phrases are not only never-ending they will amaze you. She loves to use new words that she knows are not what every other 6 year-old in the world is saying, she is not only smart but intelligent and crafty. She will be somebody and make a difference, that I am sure of. I love them all equally and do my best to groom them into "self sufficient young ladies" as that is how I hope they choose to live.

Then there is Paul. He is the person in my life that I have chosen to be with. Or did he choose me, I don't know. I love him like I have loved no other man in my life and I willingly have given my heart to him. The vulnerability I feel is NEW for me and sometimes it can become quite difficult to deal with, but nevertheless I love him. We couldn't be more different, yet the same. I love to read he reads if he has to, I am a social person he likes to stay home, he is thin lean and has a beautiful physique, I am in a constant battle with my own body and have never had the pleasure of being thin. Etc. Yet in him I have found a solace like no other.