Aftermath.

It has officially been 2 weeks since I had my heart ripped out, stomped on, ran over, and slammed on the floor, a.k.a the boyfriend admitted to cheating. Well I have really been trying to get over it, I still have the never-ending picture of him fucking her playing over and over in my mind, and the relentless questions that roll through my mind 24/7.



So how do I handle all this? Everyone asking me if we are breaking up or staying together, people all of a sudden thinking that they are relationship experts or something, telling me what I should do, what I need to do, and how I should be feeling about it all. Not to mention guys that are supposed to be my "friends" telling me how they knew all along and how my heart would surely heal if I were to just go ahead and fuck them??? 4 words... Shut the fuck up! As if that was the solution to a broken heart. RIDICULOUS! Thanks for not being the friends that I thought you were.



Anyways, I see Paul everyday. It's very hard and I still get sick about the whole situation. I actually woke him up Monday-Night/Tuesday-Morning around 1:30 am and told him that I couldn't do this anymore and that he needed to get his shit and leave. I must admit that it felt great... for about an hour.



It took him quite a bit of time to pack his things up and around 4:30 am we started talking. I had asked him if he was so sorry why did he go back 3 times? Up until that moment he always said "I don't know" well sitting in our now half empty room, looking at all of his things packed up, he looked at me and said... " Angelina, your a good woman, seriously. You wanna know why I did it 3 times? Because it wasn't until this very moment that I knew what I had with you. I am so sorry for hurting you." All this with real genuine tears rolling down his face. Then he kissed me on my cheek and asked me to please reconsider kicking him out, or at least to think about it. Then he left. He went to work with his red Honda Civic packed up with his belongings and my heart in his hands.



At this point I had been awake for about 40 hours. I had been physically sick, crying, emotionally up and down, and just completely stressed out. I cried myself to sleep around 5am and woke up around 10am. I couldn't do anything but lay still. I didn't have any tears left in me, no ability to scream, no anger, no happiness, nothing. The plan was for me to call him at work and tell him if he could come home or not. I called him and couldn't get a hold of him, I started to take this as a sign that maybe this would be for the best. All the memories, thoughts of him, thoughts of our future, flashes of our lovemaking, and just plain good times came flooding through me as if an emotional dam had burst. I realized that I really love Paul and although his actions broke my heart, left me devastated, emotionally scarred and stressed me out more than any one person had ever been capable of... I wanted to work it out.



Call me crazy, stupid, foolish, and dumb, but I actually feel a little better. Since I have made this decision my heart has felt better, I can see Paul really trying, he doesn't get mad and frustrated with me when I start to clam up, or get sad, or doubt him. He has become very understanding and he is putting in effort where he was lacking before all this happened. He listens, he cares, he is just an all around better boyfriend. Granted it has only been a few days but I really feel a difference in him. I know that he is afraid that I am never going to love him the way that I used to but honestly, I wouldn't do that to him. He still has my heart, I just hope that this time he treats it right. I am a phenomenal woman and I deserve a phenomenal man - I will settle for nothing less.

Signed,

Determined to work it out.