Letting it go...

Why am I still so angry??? I should not let someone else make me so mad that I am yelling at my daughters... Especially one that isn't worth my tears, anger, or frustration. Why cant I just let it go?

LET IT GO

The concept here is to let the emotional traps of life just go, however; this is not as easy as one might think. Cruel Step-Fathers, Disappointing Mothers, A Father that just never gave a fuck and was never there, A baby-daddy that put his hands on you because he couldn't deal with his own demons, 2 rapists, and now to add to my list a cheating, lying, deceitful, dirty ass BOYfriend.

How do I just let all the anger I have inside towards these people just go... This is damn near impossible. It's not something you physically hold onto and can therefore just let go of it. It's emotions, time, tears, hurt feelings, anger, hate, devastation, memories, and thoughts. All mixxed up inside my head, swimming around and drowning me. I am going to try to write a brief description of why I have these emotions towards those on my list and see if it helps drain some of the emotions out of my mind.

Cruel Step-Father: I am jealous of you. All I ever wanted was for you to love me like your own and you never did. You excluded me and made me feel like I was nothing, you robbed me of a childhood because you couldn't conform me to what you wanted. You took my mom from me.

Disappointing Mother: You were supposed to care for me, love me, teach me how to be a woman. But you didn't. You dragged me through your emotional bullshit from getting raped by your own father to my dad beating the shit out of you, somehow you managed to put all that on me. FYI it wasn't my fault, I didn't do it to you so why did you continually blame me? I am not you and my one goal as a mother is to be better than you.

Father that never gave a fuck: You never really put the effort in with me or any of my siblings, Why? Of course your dead now so you don't have to deal with any of us but you were perhaps the biggest let down of my life. When I needed you to be a father you just weren't there, what happened to being a real daddy? No one showed me what I should be looking for in a man, no one to tell me to wait for the "right-guy", no one to show me that all men don't hit and will actually love me unconditionally. Thanks for nothing!

Baby-Daddy: You know who you are and how you fucked up. I will never look at you the same way, you kneeled over me and continuously slapped the shit out of me for no reason. Although I stayed after that, and there were many more physical fights between us, I fell out of love with you at that very moment and will never be capable of regaining that love, so please stop trying.

2 Rapists: You disgust me. I didn't ask for it and I know that, I like to believe that there is a special spot in hell reserved for both of you. You made me feel low, dirty, disrespected, hurt, and scared. Well no more. I know I cant take your actions back, and what you robbed me of will be gone forever.

Cheating Lying Ass BOYfriend: You broke my heart, my spirit, and you took my last little bit of trust that I had in men. Thank you for screwing me over in the worst possible way. I hate you for sleeping with her. Not once but 3 times. I know your sorry. Sorry for getting caught! I loved you more than anyone ever will, more than you deserved, and more than I have ever loved anyone. The fact of the matter is you knew that and you still chose to do it, that is what I just cant understand and never will I believe you when you tell me you love me again. Your not worth my heart. So why don't you just leave and never look back???

All of the above mentioned people, you have hurt me in some of the worst ways possible, but I am still here. I breathe everyday, my heart still beats, my mind still produces some of the most intelligent thoughts ever, and I have 3 beautiful little ladies to spend the rest of my life trying to raise. I owe it to them to put all of the bullshit that you people have put me through behind me and start living a happy life. I will no longer dwell in my anger and dedicate massive bouts of depression to you. I am done with you. All of you.

-Angelina C. Cosentino

Aftermath.

It has officially been 2 weeks since I had my heart ripped out, stomped on, ran over, and slammed on the floor, a.k.a the boyfriend admitted to cheating. Well I have really been trying to get over it, I still have the never-ending picture of him fucking her playing over and over in my mind, and the relentless questions that roll through my mind 24/7.



So how do I handle all this? Everyone asking me if we are breaking up or staying together, people all of a sudden thinking that they are relationship experts or something, telling me what I should do, what I need to do, and how I should be feeling about it all. Not to mention guys that are supposed to be my "friends" telling me how they knew all along and how my heart would surely heal if I were to just go ahead and fuck them??? 4 words... Shut the fuck up! As if that was the solution to a broken heart. RIDICULOUS! Thanks for not being the friends that I thought you were.



Anyways, I see Paul everyday. It's very hard and I still get sick about the whole situation. I actually woke him up Monday-Night/Tuesday-Morning around 1:30 am and told him that I couldn't do this anymore and that he needed to get his shit and leave. I must admit that it felt great... for about an hour.



It took him quite a bit of time to pack his things up and around 4:30 am we started talking. I had asked him if he was so sorry why did he go back 3 times? Up until that moment he always said "I don't know" well sitting in our now half empty room, looking at all of his things packed up, he looked at me and said... " Angelina, your a good woman, seriously. You wanna know why I did it 3 times? Because it wasn't until this very moment that I knew what I had with you. I am so sorry for hurting you." All this with real genuine tears rolling down his face. Then he kissed me on my cheek and asked me to please reconsider kicking him out, or at least to think about it. Then he left. He went to work with his red Honda Civic packed up with his belongings and my heart in his hands.



At this point I had been awake for about 40 hours. I had been physically sick, crying, emotionally up and down, and just completely stressed out. I cried myself to sleep around 5am and woke up around 10am. I couldn't do anything but lay still. I didn't have any tears left in me, no ability to scream, no anger, no happiness, nothing. The plan was for me to call him at work and tell him if he could come home or not. I called him and couldn't get a hold of him, I started to take this as a sign that maybe this would be for the best. All the memories, thoughts of him, thoughts of our future, flashes of our lovemaking, and just plain good times came flooding through me as if an emotional dam had burst. I realized that I really love Paul and although his actions broke my heart, left me devastated, emotionally scarred and stressed me out more than any one person had ever been capable of... I wanted to work it out.



Call me crazy, stupid, foolish, and dumb, but I actually feel a little better. Since I have made this decision my heart has felt better, I can see Paul really trying, he doesn't get mad and frustrated with me when I start to clam up, or get sad, or doubt him. He has become very understanding and he is putting in effort where he was lacking before all this happened. He listens, he cares, he is just an all around better boyfriend. Granted it has only been a few days but I really feel a difference in him. I know that he is afraid that I am never going to love him the way that I used to but honestly, I wouldn't do that to him. He still has my heart, I just hope that this time he treats it right. I am a phenomenal woman and I deserve a phenomenal man - I will settle for nothing less.

Signed,

Determined to work it out.

The ultimate FUCK YOU!

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